How to Kill a Mary Sue: Zatch Bell Style!
by Hysterical Insanity
Summary: I really hate Mary Sues, and so do the Zatch Bell gang! Come along with me as they each show us how to destroy those evil beings! Rated T for violence in some chapters, language in others! Written in a game show style, but not in script form.
1. Logic

**How to Kill a Mary Sue…  
Zatch Bell Style!  
Hysterical Insanity Productions**

Welcome to my guide to killing a Mary Sue! For the next month or so, I'll be getting help from the cast of Zatch Bell! First, let me say that I don't own Zatch Bell, but I do own the Mary Sues. Sadly. Also, I'm not responsible to any damage to your mind or body from reading the Mary Sues in this story! Now, let's meet today's May Sue!

A _slender blonde beauty _walks into the room. Her _deliciously short skirt made of silk and satin _is patterned with flowers _that are not half as beautiful as her. _Tossing her _corn-silk locks _over her _petite but strong _shoulder, she turns to _wave delicately _at the readers, who are feeling sick already.  
"Hello, everyone, I'm Destiny Marie. I'm a crime-fighting vampire who happens to be 5 times Miss America!" Destiny's _perfectly angelic and harmonious _voice _echoes out like the voice of an angel. _

Now, her murderer…I mean, our other guest! Kiyo Takamine!  
In a puff of smoke, the Japanese teen appears on the stage, looking thoroughly confused.  
"How did I get here? And…who are you? Why does this stuff always happen to me?" Kiyo questions, as the authoress just smiles.  
"Don't worry about that. Let me introduce you to Destiny!" Kiyo looks a bit perturbed at the evil grin on the authoress's face, before she vanishes.

"Hi, Kiyo! I'm Destiny! You probably already know me from my exploits as a vampire, and how I've been Miss America for the last 5 years!" Destiny's _sweet and enchanting _voice _drifted heavenly _across the stage. "Oh, and let's not forget how I solved that _incredibly difficult _case over in my home country of London!" She said, batting her _long silky lashes _that covered her _almond shaped, sparkling, red eyes that were the exact color of ripe apples. _

By this point, Kiyo was already agitated. Dragged out of his house on the weekend, transported to some weird game show thing, and confronted with a crazy woman who seemed to truly think she was perfect, Kiyo couldn't take any more. He snapped.

"LONDON IS NOT A COUNTRY! Even if it was, how could you be Miss AMERICA if you're from London? And I'm pretty certain they have an age limit, which you are obviously under! Another thing, VAMPIRES AREN'T REAL (the twilight fans gasped)! AND EVEN IF THEY WERE, AND YOU WERE ONE, WHY WOULD YOU SOLVE CRIME? Vampires are historically EVIL!" Kiyo paused for breath, panting from his sudden snap.

"But…I'm gorgeous!" Destiny _breathed out in a gloriously melancholy sigh._

"NO! YOU'RE NOT! Thanks to you, I DON'T EVEN LIKE BLONDES ANYMORE!" Kiyo shouted with his last sane thought.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Elsewhere~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Zatch sat up and sniffled sadly. "I get the sudden feeling that Kiyo doesn't like me anymore…but that can't be true, right Vulcan?" Vulcan didn't reply.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Elsewhere AGAIN~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Apollo looked around. "Huh, that's weird. I was going to visit Kiyo, but I don't think that's a good idea anymore…What do you think Rops?" "Ka! Ka!" Rops cheered. If only we could translate that.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Another Elsewhere~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Sherry paused mid-step. "Brago?"  
"What?"  
"Why do I get the sudden urge to kill Kiyo Takamine?"  
"How should I know?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Back at the studio~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"But….but….."Destiny struggled for a moment to figure out what to say. If she wasn't gorgeous, British, Miss America, crime fighting, and a vampire, then what she? It hit her then, if she wasn't something, then she must be nothing. With a puff, Destiny Marie imploded on herself. The crowd, and Kiyo, cheered.

Reappearing in a cloud of smoke, the authoress stepped forward.  
"Way number 1 to kill a Mary Sue: logic!"

A now very jumpy and twitchy Kiyo walked toward her. "Can I just go home now?"  
"Sure thing Kiyo! But first, let me announce that the next 'episode' invites Tia and Megumi as our guests!" The authoress said, smiling evilly.  
"Wait, did you say Megumi and Tia?" Before he could get his answer, Kiyo vanished again, this time back to his house.

"Oh, Kiyo, you're home! Where've you been all day? Tia and Megumi came over while you were out. They're up stairs with Zatch, waiting for you!" His mother welcomed him home, while Kiyo's eyes widened.

"I have to warn them! They're in danger! TIA! MEGUMI! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! THE MARY SUES…" But it was too late. As Kiyo stepped into the room, they disappeared in a puff of smoke, just like he had.

**That's all for 'episode' one, folks. Next chapter: Kill it with Strangulation! The reason Kafk Sunbeam didn't get a 'Kiyo hates blondes' vibe, is because he was sleeping. That's my story and I'm sticking to it! It has nothing to do with my firm belief that his hair isn't blonde, but is actually made of sunlight. (Seriously, it is way too freaking bright!)  
And yes, I did switch from first person in my point of view to third person. Why? Because it just wrote itself that way. **


	2. Strangulation

Welcome, one and all, to our second 'episode' of How to Kill a Mary Sue, Zatch Bell Style! I'm your hostess, as always! Our typical warnings, I don't own anything, and we're not responsible for damages of body, mind, or property cause by the Mary Sues or the guests! Now, here is today's Mary Sue! She's a tall, tan, diva named Melissa! Melissa is a ten time Olympic gold medalist, holding the world record for swimming and beach volleyball! Her hobbies include modeling, saving the world, and singing! Let's meet Melissa, shall we?

"Hi guys!" The _sweetest and most cheerful voice to ever meet human ears _rang out across the room as a _perfectly sculpted _tan teenager _swirled sweetly _onto the stage. "My name is Melissa Dream, and I'm _Soooo_ glad to meet all of you! I'm sure you must feel the same!" A _bright and perfectly white smile danced across her cheerful face. _

"Now, let me introduce today's guests, Megumi and Tia!" A puff of smoke, not unlike the one that summoned Kiyo the day before, erupted on the stage. As the smoke cleared, Megumi and Tia were left standing in the center.

"Oh, hi! You must be the contestants, or whatever she's calling them! I don't know what's going on, but of course I'll win! I mean, I'm _Melissa Dream! _I'm _perfect!" _Melissa's _perfectly soothing _voice _swept across the audience _as she babbled on _importantly. _"Hey, you're Megumi, the singer, right?"

Megumi smiled nicely, and nodded. "Yeah. I guess you're a fan or something?" She asked.  
Melissa _giggled cutely _and shook her head. "Not really. Your music, quite frankly, sucks, and I'm better. I AM perfect, of course! You know I won American Idol? Well, they thought I was too good, so they ended up giving the award away, since I already had a LOT of awards, but I still won!"

Megumi blinked in shock for a minute. She'd met people who didn't like her music, but never a girl who so blatantly hated her and thought so highly of herself! Now, Megumi isn't normally a violent person, but she'd had enough. So had Tia.

Tia got to Melissa first. Wrapping her hands around Melissa's throat, her _perfectly tan _neck seemed to stretch out and twist. Tia seemed to radiate a maniacal aura, and the audience cheered loudly.  
"Good girl Tia! Get her!" Megumi, normally so calm, encouraged the murderous girl.

Melissa suffocated, turned blue, and died on stage. Good thing she was Mary Sue, or I might have had charges pressed against me!  
"Way number 2 to kill a Mary Sue! Kill it with Strangulation!" The authoress appeared again from wherever it is she goes to.  
"Alright, Tia, she's dead. I'll send you guys back to Kiyo's house now. Next chapter promises to be fun, when we invite Folgore and Kanchome!" A puff of smoke enveloped the duo, and they disappeared again.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Back at Kiyo's~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
The popstar and the pinkette reappeared back in Kiyo's house, with a shivering Kiyo staring madly at them.  
"They got you, too. The evil that is Mary Sue." Kiyo still hadn't recovered, and was suffering from a severe case of OOC.  
Tia shrugged. "She wasn't so bad, once she was dead." Megumi nodded in agreement.  
"My question, though," Megumi began, looking around at the other two who had to been to the 'show', "is, who is this 'hostess' and why does she enjoy torturing us?" For that, there was no answer.

**Next chapter: Kill it with…beauty? Folgore and Kanchome join the 'fun' and 'excitement'!**


End file.
